Feel Fully, Act Wisely: 4 Steps to Honoring Your Emotions and Owning Your Reactions

The Challenge of Intense Emotions

We often find ourselves either dismissing our emotions or acting impulsively on them. Whether it’s needing to talk through big feelings or feeling the urge to react immediately to a situation, managing emotions can be a real challenge. Especially when you’re someone who experiences feelings intensely, it can feel like you’re constantly navigating a storm within.

Learning to Honor Emotions, Not Just React

The first step to honoring emotions, versus just feeling them, is acknowledging that your emotions are valid. They do not have to be factual in order to be very real feelings. They are signals you are sending to yourself, not your enemy. Emotions tell us there are things we need to pay attention to. However, just because we feel something strongly doesn’t mean we have to act on the impulse of that emotion. We can honor what we’re feeling without letting it control our reactions.

Personal Stories and Real-Life Examples

Chris’s Story: A Personal Example
“My parents divorced later in my life, and they needed help moving and managing their house. I had a lot of strong feelings and opinions about the situation, but I knew it wasn’t the best time to express them. So, I chose to ‘compartmentalize’ my emotions for the moment. I needed to go help them; they’re my parents, and I love and respect them. I wanted to show up for them. That didn’t mean I totally pushed my feelings aside forever. I have spoken with them about it, and I have shared all of my feelings. But in that moment, I felt if I let my emotions get the best of me, it wouldn’t have been helpful for anyone, even for myself. I took the time to acknowledge I had feelings, to acknowledge the potential impact they could have on the situation, and then decided to set them aside for now. I focused on getting the task done. Afterwards, I dealt with processing those feelings. It worked out well; I still have a good relationship with both my parents. But it took mindful, purposeful action.”

Jen’s Story: A Professional Example
“Years ago, I was at a company going through a big change, and I felt like the company was moving in a direction that clashed with my personal values and career goals. I struggled to let go of what I knew, and I was really committed. My identity has always been very wrapped up in my career, and I didn’t see those things as separate. I was feeling very at odds within myself. I was traveling a lot, and I remember sitting on an airplane, getting ready for them to close the doors. My heart rate was off the charts; I kept getting these high heart rate notifications, and I felt dizzy and really uncomfortable. I thought, ‘Oh my God, I’m having a heart attack.’ I wondered what would happen if they closed the door and I had a heart attack midair. It didn’t help calm my heart rate! I reasoned out for myself that I was having a panic attack. But this continued to happen; I kept having panic attacks. They were becoming physically extreme, and my heart rate was just not healthy. My doctor even said to me that I had to make a change because he was afraid of what might happen. After pausing to reflect on what I was feeling, I realized the company was going in a direction that was no longer in line with my personal values, satisfaction, and happiness. I did end up leaving, not because it wasn’t a great place, but because it wasn’t for me anymore. I had been shoving down all of my emotions about it, trying to ignore them and living in total denial. I wasn’t listening to the signals my emotions were giving me until they got very extreme. In order for me to start listening, I needed a makeshift intervention of sorts from both my doctor and from a former boss who I deeply trusted. I called him in tears after a particularly tough day, which was very abnormal for me in a professional setting. He was incredibly kind and just said, ‘Jen, you’re pragmatic. Think about this pragmatically. Is this good for you?’ Through our conversation, it became very clear to me the decision I needed to make. But it took me needing to get out of my own space to really give myself the time to honor my emotions, think about what I was actually going through, acknowledge that, then pause, create a plan, and then act on the plan. Which I did.”

The Four-Step Framework: Feel, Pause, Plan, Act

You can successfully navigate emotional moments using a simple yet powerful four-step framework:

1. Feel: Acknowledge and honor your emotions. Understand where they’re coming from. It’s not just acknowledging them, but understanding them for what they are here for. Pay attention to where you feel emotions in your body. Are they in your chest, your stomach, or elsewhere? Your emotions are valid and are telling you something.

2. Pause: Don’t immediately react. Give yourself space and time to process. This is a time to recognize that your feelings are valid, whether or not they are based on fact. De-escalate the situation and resist the urge to immediately find solutions or act on your impulses. Also resist the urge to avoid or ignore your emotions. Check in with yourself to identify whether you have given yourself the space, freedom, permission, and courage to explore your feelings.

3. Plan: Once you’ve paused and processed, start formulating a plan. Distinguish between fact and opinion. Consider the desired outcome. Make lists, journal, or talk to a trusted friend. Is the orange worth the squeeze? Ask yourself what outcome you actually want and whether your plan will help you achieve that outcome. Think both long term and short term. Sometimes our plan is to make respond or take action externally and other times our plan may be to shift our own internal perspective on a situation. The key here is not to analyze options and choose the best path forward that is most likely to get you where you want to be. Be careful not to get stuck in this step too long and use planning for perfection as a way to avoid taking action!

4. Act: Take intentional action based on your plan. This is where you carry out the decision made in the plan phase. Remember that change happens at the edges of your comfort zone. Sometimes this step is simple, sometimes it takes a lot of courage. This is where you get the opportunity to rise to the occasion.

Why Each Step Matters

Each step is crucial. Skipping a step can lead to repeating the same cycle of impulsive reactions. The feel phase is where you slow down and become authentic with yourself, tuning in to what is triggering you. The pause phase is where you meet emotion with emotion. The plan phase is where you move to being pragmatic, testing your feelings against facts and what else could be true. The act phase is where you give yourself, and others, the opportunity to grow and learn.

Common Pitfalls to Avoid

• Getting Stuck in Feeling: Don’t let the emotion consume you without moving to the next steps.

• Pausing Too Long: Avoid using the pause as an excuse for avoidance.

• Over-planning: Don’t get stuck in analysis paralysis and fail to take action.

• Skipping Feeling: Do not jump straight to pragmaticism without first acknowledging your emotions.

The Importance of Positivity

Using this method is not just about processing negative emotions. It’s also about honoring the positive ones. Joy and happiness are contagious. By allowing ourselves to feel and express joy, we enrich our own lives and the lives of those around us. Stop and celebrate the little wins along with the big ones. After all, this is the journey of life!

Life is a Journey, Not a Destination

Remember, it’s not about perfection; it’s about progress. Life is the art of stumbling and continuing to move. Practice makes better, not perfect. Applying the “Feel, Pause, Plan, Act” rhythm is a way to take your power back a little bit and put yourself a little more in charge of driving to your satisfaction.

By acknowledging our emotions, pausing to think, planning thoughtfully, and acting intentionally, we can navigate life with greater wisdom and control.